You shouldn't care about me.
I wish I could say that to everyone wishing me a happy birthday, going out of their way to check up on me, or just showing any kind of concern over my wellbeing.
I don't care about me either.
If you started to care, I'll have to care too. And then I'll fail to show that care often enough. And then I'll end up letting you down. It's just how it is; I'm bad at maintaining connections. I'm bad at remembering things. I'm bad at taking care. I don't deserve what I wouldn't give.
See, things get complicated when people care, and usually that ends with me feeling anxious and sad. I like staying in the background where I'm doing my own thing without many expectations. Easier not necessarily nicer. As much as I dreaded replying to the birthday wishes I selfishly longed to hear them.
I love those people. I want them to care for me. I care. I'm just terrible at showing it or acting on it in any meaningful way. That feeling of eagerly wanting to touch and talk with someone forever, always having them on my mind, always remembering things about them, is something I've never experienced. not even with my own family. I'm starting to believe I'm just incapable of loving to that degree and it'd be unfair for any relationship beyond friendship..
I have a Facebook account for reasons I can't really do much about, When it was my birthday , I shuffled to turn off my birthdate visibility which I had set to "friends only" for some reason. Why? Because I'd hate having to care for some fake birthday wishes of people who hardly cared, notified of my birthday on their account. I'd hate having to care for that on top of having to care for people who genuinely care.
Let's keep things simple, don't wish me a happy birthday, pretend I don't exist. But don't do that actually, I'll end up feeling lonely.
I don't know.